1. |
This Destruction
04:08
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So this is how it's gonna go
I'll be drinking alone
fall asleep in my street clothes
my brain and my heart need a rest so it's on to my liver
just like last night
and when I wake up
I will walk straight back into the heartbreak
I can't even talk to you
without having to process more bad news
So what can I do?
I must succumb
to the lure of whatever makes me feel numb
My fingers bruised from
biting so hard just to try to distract from the pain in my heart
as I try to hold onto hope, but the edges are sharp
-
When I look at this destruction
it's difficult to function
so this is how I deal
Prayers will never work
and everyone's sympathy makes it worse
I don't want to feel
-
I drench my depression in a wave of potent recklessness
and attempt to fool myself into thinking that I don't care about any of this
but it pervades my mind and it's impossible to find anything resembling a bright side
At your insistence I have gripped with all my strength
And each time I just end up getting cut
before it loses all its worth
How many times can we recycle love?
Everything makes it worse
I don’t want to feel
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2. |
Rock Bottom
03:28
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I wish I'd hit rock bottom
So at least I'd have some solid ground to stand on
Where I'm at now, I have no control and I can't find the courage to break out
I don't really cry, I just breathe really heavily all the time
I huff and I puff and I grin and I bear it and I try to keep my chin up
I have to wonder if life is always gonna be an uphill climb
And when will one hundred percent of my love be enough?
Heartbreak breeds stupidity when it comes to me, I act irrationally
I drink until my bloodstream floods with beer
I let my friends cut off my hair, I sobered up and still didn't care
I guess I'll just keep playing life by ear
-
Now that I've hit rock bottom, I finally have solid ground to stand on
I'm looking at my problems and learning how to laugh them all away
-
Nintendo therapy
Not much more that I need
A van full of friends and a crowd to play to (Hell, I don't even really need a crowd to play to)
I am broken, but at least I still exist
No matter how many pieces I get busted into, what is broken can be fixed
Only one way to go from here
and it's “up”
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3. |
Big Ideas
03:13
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I’ve got things to say and goals to accomplish
spent the winter break trying to be more honest
I sit dumbfounded in front of a keyboard
anxiously hoping for some kind of reward
I’m over-thinking and underproductive
the lure of a drunken night is so seductive
the reality of a drunken week sneaks up
my mistakes have repercussions but they’re never enough
to teach me a lesson
I answer every question with another question
Independence is such a joke when you have no car and you’re totally broke
Look at me
I’m wallowing
by haranguing myself with self-loathing
This is not okay
I’ve got to find a different way
-
I gotta be more friendly
I gotta sing more passionately
I’ll just throw away the filter and say what’s on my mind
-
I’m afraid to say that my existence is only worth as much as my stubborn insistence on never being satisfied
the smallest imperfection keeps me up all night
so here’s my confession: my fear of repetition borders on obsession
like my deepest thoughts are surrounded by quotes and I’m forced to sing songs someone already wrote
I wish I didn’t have anxiety because the people that inspire me go through with all my big ideas before my opportunity arises and I get to witness what I could’ve had
I might as well just squash my plans and pack it in if I still let this hold me back
I have no patience for anything that’s forced
the smallest doubt can bring about the biggest devastation
I didn’t love my girlfriend anymore
(She pushed you away, and at the end of the day)
this uncertainty is more than I can take
and life is too short to just keep your mouth shut and settle
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4. |
Schruted It
03:43
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You're gonna blame me for your problems
You're gonna blame me for all your laziness and the attitude that landed you here
I can't say it doesn't hurt, but I can say it could've been much worse if we carried on down the road we were on
And I did more than my fair share to try to wake you up
Isn't it funny when every single action you take clearly and directly correlates to an actual consequence? (natural punishment)
Welcome to the real world
It must really hurt to be on the outside looking in
but you're the one who lost the key and locked yourself out
You're in no position to petition for another chance because (YOU'VE MADE YOUR PRIORITIES CLEAR) even if you did the right thing it would go against your instinct, so this is pointless- and no matter how perfectly you play the part, you'll never really have the heart
You could rattle off a list of reasons why you think this is a mistake, but they'll never cancel out all the doubt in my heart that's been keeping me awake
I can't help but draw conclusions from the choices that you make
I'm done looking for solutions and asking what it's gonna take
-
Take the path of least resistance
Disappointing with persistence
Skirting by in every instance
Your contrition lacks the distance
You've chosen to sleep, letting your dreams stay dreams
-
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5. |
Doing Nothing
03:09
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I'm so good at doing nothing
Faced with the task of picking the mounds of clutter off my floor
I manage to get comfortable and the mess remains ignored
Let's sit and do nothing for hours at a time and neglect our obligations
I'm content if you're content just basking in procrastination
-
I'll do anything
except what I'm supposed to do
I could waste a day
like it's my job, yeah
between every nap and every TV rerun
I've given up before I've even begun
I'm not the type of dude that you should count on
I will never get anything done
-
There's a few things that I care about and they get all my time
As far as dreaming and scheming and partying go, well, I am in my prime
And though I admit that my careless ways will catch up with me someday
At least I'm not fooling myself along the way
And I'll stay up all night
coming up with all kinds of excuses
to convince myself my laziness is justified
and as the hours melt away, my eyes are getting heavy
It's probably best if I just fall asleep (As the hours are flushing, I'm accomplishing nothing, but tomorrow is another day)
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6. |
More Symptoms
03:18
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I bite my tongue as I prepare to face the scrutiny
I know I'll choose my words carefully
'cause there's no second chances and everyone's ready to shoot me down
and I'll soon hate myself as well for this "victim" complex I'm developing
-
All of the things I consider important are nothing more than a minor blip on the radar of the people I must cater my deepest dreaded vulnerabilities to
With each passing day I develop more symptoms of this incurable case of crippling stress, as I try to impress people who care and people who couldn't care less
-
The weather dictates my ability to put up some kind of fight against the pressures
The ones that I imagine and the ones that are certainly all too real
A toxic mix of self-pity and self-loathing that I drink down until I fall asleep
Here I go again, putting pen to paper
I'm embarrassing myself when I only have myself to impress
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7. |
Of Guilt
03:36
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At this point in time, I'm just about as jaded as I could be
After 2 years of my life and love were spent on something that was incomplete
You've got nothing but good intentions as I selfishly enjoy your marred perception
You're just idealizing me
Trust me, I'm not half the man that I'm capable of being
And it wouldn't be fair for either of us if I disregard what I'm foreseeing
It's gonna take years before I have the courage to give you trust
And learn to accept it when someone shows me love
-
I've grown sick of watching others get hurt as a consequence of putting myself first
It's time I learn that that simply doesn't work
-
And every single time I try to welcome emotion, I throw myself at the mercy of heartbreaks past
I'm thoroughly incapable of feeling anything except the guilt of all the people I bring down with me while this lasts
I'll find love in other places
I'll no longer try to force it
Get drunk and sing songs on stages
My wounds will close up without me even noticing
This is a game that you can't win (this is a game that you can't win)
You should have never let me in (you should have never let him in)
I was only able to see what was directly in front of me
This cycle of guilt and heartbreak needs to end
The weaker I become, the more I hurt you
The more I hurt you, the weaker I become
So please forget me
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8. |
Transit Girls
04:58
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Accustomed to the melodramatic habits of a heartbreak addict, oblivious to everything but extremes
There's never been an in-between
The grass is always brown or green
A never-ending state of restlessness
and God forbid a day goes by without feeling like I gotta know the meaning of life
Equating doubt with weaknesses and failure
I drift so easily into an unrealistic dream
Hung up on details based on wild assumptions
Got a couple tons of baggage bundled up that I don't think that I should share
And my outlook tends to shift every five fucking minutes
Like the tilt of the boat is in charge of my emotions
-
Feel free to question and make suggestions, but don't expect to see me change a thing
You can diagnose me or try to coach me, but I'm too far gone
-
I mentally remove myself from all that I'm involved with
Physically, I drag myself along
Bad luck is circumstantial, but my own actions set the table
Like a hobby of mine is proving myself wrong
I seem to second-guess myself before I even take my first one
I step on my own toes
I'm on a different level in a world you wouldn't recognize and I'm wondering if my detachment shows
You step on the train and you have no idea
I start to play these stupid games
Get caught up in imaginary situations
Wondering if you're doing the same (Why would you ever be?)
No one in their right mind calculates the rest of their life every time they see a pretty stranger's eyes
And when we go our separate ways, you don't realize how much it weighs
All these tiny self-inflicted heartbreaks
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9. |
A Bruise
03:17
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I stumble through old love notes that I read through tired eyes
The ferry lights are usually dim, but this morning they're aggressively bright
Now I'm forced to surrender
to this 14 hour day
And I dread the awkward messages that are bound to come my way
And my legs are like jello
I'm gonna need them for my travels
I'm regretting everything I did last night
Why wouldn't things go badly? Why would this time be any different? Why would I ever expect things to turn out right?
I swing and I miss and I follow through
until I end up hitting myself and it leaves a bruise
I would leave everything up to chance
But I've been no better off when these things have been out of my hands
Now I'm down for the count for a month at least
I'll take the time to make some peace in my mind 'til I find a brand new way to fuck things up
I don't know if it's better
or worse for me to come to remember and let myself be haunted
Should I ever let my guard down again?
-
This is my great, big, overdramatic display
of consistently choosing the worst possible way
and I can't see if there's even a lesson to learn
when I end up in the same place no matter which way I turn
-
My little sister wants to know why I don't have a valentine
There are kids in her class who are already uncles and aunts
She's too young to understand all the crazy complications
My mind and my heart couldn't be further apart
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10. |
From Below
02:37
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Sometimes I feel buried under fifty feet of dirt
Paralyzed and crippled by a bulldozer of hurt
But in one last attempt, I crane my neck
enough to see some light
I could let it blind me or I could make it mine
-
The view from below
from the bottom of a hole
so frightening and beautiful
-
Sometimes total emptiness can make you feel defeated
But what if total emptiness was exactly what you needed?
My slate is clean, so it's up to me
It hasn't helped to hide
It's easier to choose when there's nothing to lose
I'm gonna paint the sky
I can't be victimized if I refuse to recognize these setbacks as a curse
I will reframe my mind
Stand up and make this climb
I needed this to learn
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11. |
A Tattoo
03:10
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Well I do my best to focus on the bad stuff
Trained myself to just expect the worst
After awhile the sunshine starts to catch up
and makes me feel so good it almost hurts
When I met you, you were wearing my shoes and I was wearing yours
-
I never thought anyone would understand
I never thought I'd understand anyone else
Something's telling us to take the chance
And I think we'd better listen
-
I was busy counting all my bruises
Accepting that the damage had been done
How could I have known?
I thought I'd always wanna be alone
I never thought that I'd trust anyone
When I talked to you, you told me the truth and I told it back to you
I think you're a tattoo that I never even asked for
I woke up with your love under my skin
The antidote was you when I was certain there was no cure
I think I'd fall apart if you ever had to be removed
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12. |
Black Cats
06:34
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We felt the force of all the setbacks coming one after the next
Each crushing blow seeming more unfair and not making any sense
Even a floor made of barbed wire could be considered solid ground
-
I saw a black cat on the way home last night
I didn't look the other way
-
It seemed like fate was lining up against me
The bookies stacked the odds
But how could I blame them, I'm in bad shape when I alter my state to escape being awake
I shouldn't fool myself
How do I respond to bad luck? Apparently I fail
And how do I deal with tough shit? I go ahead and slip into a bigger pile of it
How many more chances will I get? Just enough to get my hopes up
When I'm down to my final breath, maybe I'll catch my break
No matter how pathetic I look and feel, my heart stays fixed on this ideal
Divorced from practicality and juggling my sanity
I'll persist until I've got nothing to give
I may even have to die before my dream can live
And on my deathbed you'll hear my final words and the loudest flatline you have ever heard
The mumbles and whispers become loud and clear, as days turn to months and months turn into years
I've come to realize that this solid ground is the feeling I get when I have you around
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